


let every fracture shatter out loud

by phloridas



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Hatred, University
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 03:39:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13895442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phloridas/pseuds/phloridas
Summary: Dan's made it through school. He's made it to uni. He's made it to Manchester. He made it to Phil.So why can't he make it to the kitchen?





	let every fracture shatter out loud

**Author's Note:**

> HUGE thank you to @radical-flaar-queen for beta-ing this and offering insight on the realities of depression! I personally have not been diagnosed, but I am currently struggling with much of what Dan's going through here and...it's not fun. But I'm pushing through it and if I can, so can you! <3

He wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t feel like he had to.

See, it’s bad enough he locked himself in his room the first two days, refusing to talk to a single soul as he let  _ Halo _ be his only company, easing the pinching and gurgling of his gut with nothing but a family-sized box of Crunchy Nut and water from the bathroom sink. But when his first (and so far only) trip to the kitchen had ended in the smoke alarm going off?

Dan may as well spend the year living on cereal.

Maybe that gap year had fucked him up more than he realised. Dan  _ had _ gotten stuff done, though. Resitting his psychology exam, travelling through the country for interviews at campuses both beautiful and boring alike, the beyond hellish work experience—those were all worth it if they got him here, right?

Even if  _ here _ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Still, there were days when even the quadruple espresso couldn’t break through the clouds in his brain, nor lift the everpresent weight that settled in his bones and left Dan going through the motions of his tasks without bothering to check if he’d done them well. Too many days that ended in Dan flopping in bed with his button-down still on, heart hurting too much to even consider pulling up Skype or even checking his phone before getting up at some godforsaken time to do it all over again.

There were days, too, where Dan could barely get his shit together enough to get himself to Reading Station and on another three and a half hour train. Knowing Phil was on the other side of all that certainly helped but Dan couldn’t shake the needling that had been drilling into him deeper and deeper since the winter.  _ What’s going to happen when it’s not enough? _

It usually shut up when Dan was in Phil’s presence again, could feel and smell and kiss every bit of him in a reminder that Phil’s  _ real  _ and not just something his laptop conjured up. That was easy to forget last year.

You’d think being 15 minutes away would make it easier. Dan’s free to visit Phil whenever the fuck he wants, no effort required. Well, besides calling a taxi.

Which is of course one thing he can’t bring himself to do right now. Even if his stomach’s been pleading for mercy these past two hours.

It’s  _ fine. _ Nothing he’s not used to. Yet something about this new space, the bare prison-like cinder block walls, the near-empty desk, the far too tiny bit of open floor space before the door, pushes deeper into Dan, pulls his blankets closer in a touch-starved attempt to feel  _ something _ . Anything but this gaping hole.

Eventually the darkest clouds clear up but the nothingness, the exhaustion, is worse. Dan can only squeeze his eyes shut against it and hope that the emptiness will at least allow him to fall asleep soon.

He almost doesn’t notice his phone buzzing until his toe nudges up against it. It’s the thought of Phil that finally gets him to reach down and pull it towards his face, though.

**Phil:** Everything alright today? I miss you :(

A flash of heat bursts in Dan’s veins, then dies just as quickly. It’s stupid. He doesn’t have any right to feel this way about Phl, not when Phil’s been nothing but wonderful. His stomach pulses angrily and Dan curls his palms into fists, pulling his arms tighter and tighter around himself until the pain subsisdes.

What the  _ fuck  _ is wrong with him?

Dan tosses his phone to the side, then presses his fingers to his temples in an attempt to quell the pounding that had begun with that flash of rage. It doesn’t work, so he resorts to burying his head beneath his pillow.

His limbs hang, heavy and useless over the bed, as wave after wave of dejection and self-hatred crash over him.

Is this Dan? Is he destined to remain this broken shell of a person, powerless to the trappings of his inner thoughts, whispering from every corner how pathetic, how  _ useless _ he is? There’s no way Phil, with his two whole degrees, could even begin to understand this crushing mess of feelings. 

How the hell did normal people do this anyway?

Just when the weight grows unbearable, Dan’s phone buzzes again under his hand. He almost doesn’t drag it up to his face, then he sees the glimmer of a P.

**Phil:** It’s been a shit day for me too. We can be sad together.

Phil’s shit days are nothing like Dan’s, though. He has no  _ idea. _ Another wave of hunger crashes through Dan, he can feel his stomach shrinking, and he almost rolls off the bed, duvet and all.

But then something glimmers at the edges of Dan’s vision. It’s far away, too far to reach out and touch, but it pulls his eyes back to his phone. His thumb brushes absentmindedly along the screen. The rest of his hand slowly follows.

**Dan:** yay

**Phil:** Come over pls? Ik we wanted to give each other space but 5 days is too long already. I can call you a cab if you need it. I just need to see you, Dan.

Disagreeing takes too much effort. Dan would have to explain himself and how can he begin to explain the yawning, gaping hole not just of hunger, but of knowing he’s lost himself?

This is  _ Phil _ , though. Phil, whose mere presence can strike a match in his heart, whose smile is the one thing that can pull Dan from this horrible ghostly state.

It’s the distant memory of his touch, almost like the feeling belongs to someone else, that wraps Dan’s fingers around his phone again.

**Dan:** sure

He wraps his arms around himself, eventually pulling on the first hoodie he finds in his wardrobe, despite the night being quite balmy for mid-September. Dan’s stomach lets out an extra strong growl, making him double over before he digs his nails into his palms in an attempt to pull himself together.

It doesn’t work. But he forces himself into the taxi anyway.

The windowpane is cool against Dan’s temple. It might be nice, too, if he could remember what nice felt like. 

The fifteen minutes feel both like an eternity and no time at all. Finally, though, he’s stepping off the lift and standing at Phil’s door (he almost forgets which one’s his) and Phil’s pulling the door open after Dan’s pathetic knock and pulling Dan into a bone-crushing hug and...oh yeah.  _ That’s _ what nice feels like.

It flutters just above his shoulders, like it could settle down, but something’s stopping it. Something heavy, too much for Dan. Yet he carries it anyway. Because that’s just what Dan does, isn’t it?

“Dan. Please, can you tell me what’s bothering you? Is it halls? Is it the people? Because I know as well as anyone it’s a lot to get used to, but I know you can do it. Dan?” Phil’s pulled away now but his hands remain on Dan’s shoulders, his eyes boring deep into Dan’s in a way that would send him unraveling, if he had anything left to unravel.

Dan’s stomach answers for him, though. The grumble rolls through his entire body and Dan has to wrap his arms around himself to keep from hunching over again. His hands curl into fists, squeezing and digging into the pain that Phil should never have to witness. It’s  _ stupid _ . Dan should be so much stronger than this.

How come he’s falling apart after a single week at uni?

There’s a second where Phil’s face falls to pieces, seeing Dan shaking at the feat of holding himself together, then he grabs Dan’s hand and drags him into the kitchen.

“Dan, please tell me you’ve been eating since you got here,” Phil says, not even looking at Dan as he bangs the cupboard doors open and pulls down four different kinds of cereal. Dan just groans at the yellow box. He’s had enough Crunchy Nut this week to last a lifetime.

“Yeah, ‘course.” The words snap and bubble out of him like hot lava. They’re hot, too hot for Dan’s chest and the force of them may break him, and he knows they’re breaking Phil too. He knows, and yet he can’t do a damn thing about it.

“Have you?” Phil fixes Dan with a stare that cuts straight through him.

“ _ Yes _ , Phil, it’s fine. I’m not...starving myself or anything. And I’m  _ not _ fucking up my entire uni experience in the first week, even if...even if…”

_ Fuck _ . He can’t say it. Phil can’t possibly love Dan if he can’t cook  _ pasta _ , for fuck’s sake. What kind of person can’t cook some goddamn noodles?

“Dan.” 

Halfway to the fridge, Phil turns around and pulls out the chair next to Dan’s. There’s a screech of metal on tile, then Phil’s grabbing his hand in an iron grip and tilting his chin up so their eyes meet. Dan’s pain is reflected there, just as broken as Dan feels inside, and it tears him anew. Dan flicks his gaze back to a particularly speckled tile, but keeps his hand in Phil’s, matching his squeeze. He musters up a shaky breath, but it doesn’t patch him up any.

He  _ did this _ . He fucked up his whole damn life, just like he always does, right when he’s supposed to be starting anew.

The fuck is Phil even  _ doing  _ here? Doesn’t he know Dan’s beyond saving?

“Dan,” Phil repeats. “I know something’s bothering you, but you don’t have to tell me what it is yet. I can assure you, though, you’re not fucking up your entire uni experience. You have three whole years ahead of you, and you haven’t even started classes.”

_ Classes _ . Oh god. Dan’s stomach lurches, empty aa it is.

“I promise you, though, everything’s going to be fine. You made it here today, didn’t you?”

Maybe he had. But what difference does it make if he’s  _ still _ broken in Phil’s kitchen?

Dan’s shaking, arms wrapped around himself as if that’ll keep him from completely falling to pieces, knees pulled to his chest and head tucked to his knees, trying  _ trying _ to block out the pain for one second and then…

There’s another screech of metal against tile and Phil’s hands are sinking into Dan’s shoulders, his lips tracing along the skin between Dan’s ear and his neck. 

Oh. Oh  _ fuck. _

Feeling doesn’t return immediately, but every burst of warmth has Dan leaning further back into Phil to catch a bit more each time. Phil continues to knead into Dan’s shoulders and sometimes it smarts a bit when he hits a particularly tight knot but mostly, it’s wonderful. Phil’s so  _ good _ at knowing all Dan’s spots, the ones that push the air from his lungs all at once in a trembling whoosh and the ones that send the oxygen flying right back in and bring Dan his first (albeit tiny) smile all day.

When the final piece clinks into place and Dan’s fully here, in Phil’s kitchen with nothing but a couple chairs separating them, a rush of love hits him like nothing Dan’s allowed himself to feel for the past week. Suddenly, all he wants is to be closer to Phil, to drink in his every particle, to sink into this perfect being who he still can’t believe is in love with him but Dan appreciates it so much anyway. He turns in his seat and reaches his arms around Phil’s neck like a monkey. Their lips connect, Phil sighing at the pressure and pulling Dan into his lap.

It’s a little awkward, Dan nearly falling to the floor before he scrabbles his socked feet against the tile for purchase and they giggle into each other’s lips as Dan’s stomach swoops and he thinks he could cry from how  _ good _ this is. Dan chases Phil’s lips, pressing deeper and balling Phil’s shirt in his hands as the clouds thicken in his head. But they’re good clouds this time. 

The best clouds. 

Clouds that carry him up and away to this liminal space where it’s just him and Phil, a space Dan’s perfectly content to spend the rest of his life in.

He’s just about to pull Phil’s shirt up and over his shoulders, jeans tightening as he squirms against him, when Dan’s stomach chooses to let out a groan to rival the one climbing up his throat.

“Mmmmm,  _ Dan _ . Not to throw a wrench in all this, but I think there’s more pressing things than our little reunion right now.” Phil gently places Dan back on his chair. The chill is immediate. Something deep in Dan’s chest calls out for Phil, his hands curl into grabby fists, but Phil’s already crouching down to the fridge, back turned.

Dan tucks his chin to his chest and finally, he’s smiling, with his nose tickling the way it does just before he’s about to cry. Dan swallows the tears this time, though. No need to worry Phil any more.

“D’you think we can have something... _ other _ than cereal, Phil? And maybe snuggles and a movie?”

Phil lets out a bark of laughter. “Oh god, you’ve been living off cereal all week, haven’t you? You’re in luck, though. since I just whipped up a pan of my mum’s famous cheeseless lasagna last night.”

“That sounds lovely. Thank you, Phil,” Dan sighs. 

And a couple hours later, with both his stomach and his heart content, Dan’s eyes are just fluttering shut on Phil’s shoulder when it dawns on him.

Uni isn’t this big looming thing anymore. Dan’s  _ made it _ here. Sure, his first few days may have been a mess, but he’s alive. He’s surviving.

And he’s got Phil at his side through all this, doesn’t he?

Maybe he can do this whole “living on his own” thing after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [Twitter](http://twitter.com/phloridas) and [Tumblr](http://phloridas.tumblr.com) @phloridas!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'm sending you all the biggest hugs because let's be real, this was brutal. But it's also something I needed to write and I feel so much better for it. I hope you have a wonderful day/night wherever you are and if not, I promise things will get better! <3


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